


Wants & Needs

by ohstardustgirl



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Character Study, Childhood, F/M, Grief, Partisans, Prompt Fill, canon ending, jyn week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 00:30:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10978602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohstardustgirl/pseuds/ohstardustgirl
Summary: For Jyn Erso Appreciation Week Day 2: LuxuryThe things Jyn Erso wants and needs changes throughout her short life.





	Wants & Needs

_For the prompt: Luxury_

At age 4, Jyn Erso is too young to recognise the luxury in which she lives for what it is: a gilded cage. She has the best tutors, beautiful dresses, and the easy life of a dutiful daughter of the Empire ahead of her. Even though she wants for nothing material, her favourite thing is the rare occasions when her father is home and not working at his desk and they can curl up by the window with her mother, under the glittering lights of the skyline outside, and tell stories until she falls asleep with them.

It ends when her mother bundles her up in the middle of the night and shushes her as they run down halls as if chased by a monster.  
*********

At 6, in a moment of petulance fuelled by the frustrated boredom of an energetic child stuck inside during bad weather for the third day in a row, she complains about missing the things she used to have - the toys, the books, the hot water, a roof that never leaked. _I hate it here, I want to go home!_

Lyra’s face turns into something Jyn hasn’t seen before, a storm behind her eyes and steel in her jaw (a look Jyn will become familiar with, as she sees it in the mirror as she grows older). And then her expression _breaks,_ and Jyn realises she has made her mother cry. She opens her mouth to say something or to take the words back, but it’s Galen who speaks, quiet and controlled: _Go to your room, Jyn. Think about all you have to be grateful for._

Later when tempers have cooled and loneliness has made her miserable and scared, Jyn slips out of her room and curls up with her parents on the floor of the tiny living area. They watch the flickering flames on the hearth instead of city lights, and sit on hard ground instead of soft carpet. She still doesn’t understand why they left Coruscant, she just knows that since they did both Mama and Papa have been happier, and that’s worth more than all the toys she used to have.

It ends when she is 8, the day the man in white shows up. It ends when her mother lies dead in the dirt, after leaving her alone, and she has to close the hatch behind her and sit crying in the dark.

*********

At 12, she realises she’s enjoying herself before she can stop it. She’s camping outside with some of the others, and she lies flat on her back watching the stars twinkling above. Her belly is full of Rina’s delicious Bantha stew, and the atmosphere in the camp is happy. The Partisans are not extravagant by anyone’s standards, but there’s nothing more she needs in that moment. She laughs at some ridiculous song T'urat is singing, and Saw catches her eye. He smiles at her - full of pride after her performance in the field today, and she’s reminded of her parents. Guilt and grief rise in her throat, clawing through the warmth of her happiness. She doesn’t think she deserves to enjoy herself.

It ends at 16 with a bunker door shutting and the crushing realisation that Saw isn’t coming back.

*********

At 17, she cons her way into one of the finest hotels on Coruscant of all places, because she’s feeling reckless and she _wants_. Rage and loneliness run through her veins like ice. Why shouldn’t she have this? Why should these fine things belong to someone else? Stolen scan docs and credits get her in the door, and her breath stops short at the opulence of the room. 

She has a hot bath, something she hasn’t had since the last time she lived here (and this one could fit three people, and comes with sweet and musky oils that make her skin shine). Jyn lies flat until her head is underwater, and takes refuge in the sound of her own heartbeat until her breath runs out.

After, she lays by the window and looks out at the city. The skyline takes her back to being four years old again. She’s wrapped in the softest, thickest towels she’s ever seen, and they’re nothing compared to the memories of being cuddled between her Mama and Papa. Back then, the sight of the city at night felt magical. Now it’s too big, too cold. She feels more alone and empty than ever.

It ends when an alert goes out on the lost scan docs. The hotel has already taken her credits, and they don’t want their reputation tarnished by a thief, so they throw her out quietly. She spits a curse at them and sneaks her way off planet. She doesn’t ever want to go back there.

*********

At 21, luxury is having a rag to wipe away the water that drips on her forehead in her prison cell. 

It’s the hot meal and shower she gets on the Rebel base. They’re not the best she’s ever had, but definitely the best in a long time. Even if there’s a guard at the door and a spy waiting for her in the hangar, she lets herself think that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad place to stay, in another life. 

Squeezed into the cockpit of the stolen shuttle on Scarif, she presses herself close to Cassian and lets herself forget their impending mission and the Imperials about to board. It’s a selfish indulgence to get lost in the warmth of him, the smell of blaster oil and Eadu’s rain on his jacket and on the skin of his neck which is tantalisingly close to her lips, but she relishes it. She spoils herself, thinking of an _after_ with him - of one night together, or a lifetime. Looking into his eyes, feeling his heart pound beneath her palm, she lets herself have the luxury of believing that he is thinking the same.

It ends in his arms, the greatest indulgence she has known, with a wave of hot light washing over them.


End file.
